Ideal husbands.

Marriage is incredibly hard. We were told to look for tall, dark, rich, intelligent and handsome. Now fast approaching my thirties, and seven years into marriage, I know for sure that I was told wrong. The media is wrong, the fairy tales are full of bull-crap, the movies are absurd, the perfect man/ husband/wife/ woman is a big old urban myth. So when my 13 year old cousin wishes for a six foot two, clear- faced, Maserati  owning golden boy, I’m torn between letting her be in la la land for a wee bit longer or dragging her back to harsh but essential reality.

I will someday tell her, to not bring down her standards but to modify them. I guess it applies to all the young boys too. Beauty might be the overriding criteria for them now, but a life- partner needs to be so much more.

So, when do you know you have snared a “good one”? What the requisites that make an ideal husband (I might be entering dodgy territory here 🙂 )?

1. He is a good handyman. He can fix a leaky tap, a dysfunctional flush and a clogged sink, no sweat. He can tweak around the circuit box without electrocuting or killing himself. A burnt fuse should not take him more than a couple of minutes to fix, even in the pitch dark. Even a jammed washing motor should not be too intimidating a task. Because good plumbers and electricians are an incredibly rare species. They are also never available when you really need them, it’s best to have one at home.

2. Be tech savvy. I am not a tech- cripple, but I lack the requisite patience and perseverance to solve all the minor techie- hassles that rear their ugly heads everyday. So yeah, find one that is a tech- god. Will save you tons of money, time, energy and retyping and reworking several papers/ presentations/ designs.

3. Should not be queasy around bodily fluids and regurgitations. Or should at least be able to look away and stop breathing but still stay on the scene, hold your hair away and rub your back while you purge into the toilet bowl or bring a human into the world. This trait also is paramount to sharing childcare duties. Poo explosions and curdled spit up is not every man’s cup of tea. Of course, you could always marry a doctor, because they have most likely performed a rectal exam on a stranger or had atleast one OB posting/ rotation, so they can mostly stand anything.

4. Be a good pretend listener when needed and switch to actual listening when required. And most importantly, know when to do what.

5. Should be aware and cool with the fact that women and men have different shopping styles, habits and methods.

6. Naturally have, or learn the art of discerning when advice is “actually” being sought, and when to just look commiserate and nod while mouthing “Honey you are doing the right thing, you are just an incredible, super, fantastic woman”.

7. Be forever willing to drive you anywhere, at any time- day or night. And to never bother you while you park, even if you do when he does.

8. Be willing to learn how to color match and co- ordinate baby clothes. And yes, very important- know how to plait, braid, and know the difference between a pony tail and pig tails (and not associate then with the animals).

9. Be willing to answer all questions pertaining to their bank accounts, knowing fully that they will never be privy to the details of the comings and goings of your bank contents.

10. Be a good bed/ blanket sharer.

11. Use up the least possible space in closets. Duh! We need “some” space in every closet/ cupboard/ drawer/ wardrobe in the house.

12. Make an effort to look dashing, intellectual, James Bond-esquely poised but Brad Pitt-esquely causally- chic at every wedding/ party/ work- do that you drag him to. He is arm candy after all.

13. Give in to the truth that all that is his is yours, even if the vice-versa may not be true always.

14. Never count how many bags, shoes, scarves, watches, lipsticks or coats you own. Ever.

15. Never question or keep track of how many times in the week he put the kids to bed. Chances are, you have done that more times that him every week though.

16. Be forever willing to turn into a swing, rocker, elephant, horse, camel or whatever else your wailing little one wants him to turn into while you type/ cook/ read or do whatever else you have to finish.

17. Should remember to put the toilet seat down (I really thought this was one of those untrue, hyped media- creations) every time, without a post- it note being stuck on the flush.

Aah! I could go on…..and on…. Shall halt for now.

Hopefully will have The Mister present the man’s perspective.

Till next time..

Dr J.

TO read how women and men shop 

3 thoughts on “Ideal husbands.

Add yours

  1. Given a choice, mine would wear a crumpled t- shirt and slouchy jeans to even the most fanciest of weddings!

  2. Haha. Even though I think my husband is the most annoying person on earth most of the time and basically fits none of the criteria above, he has promised to love me forever, which is a pretty good offer. I really like your point about reminding him to make an effort to look like James Bond/Brad Pitt though and I will pass that onto him!! 😉

    1. Given a choice, mine would wear a crumpled t- shirt and slouchy jeans to even the most fanciest of weddings!

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