I think food is disgusting. It’s a vile, despicable monstrosity which will one day lead to the downfall of humankind. Really!
It causes sheer wastage of anywhere between 5- 6 hours of my day. Hours which could be put to great use otherwise. I could run around in circles, climb up and down the couch about ten thousand times, chase the Barbie Ball endlessly, tear up Mama’s notes, fiddle with and poke at Papa’s wires and stuff….. and generally create “mayhem” (as Mama calls it). Heck, I might as well sleep (though it is another human activity that I’m particularly fond of)!
Eating was fun- about six months ago. It was novel and stimulating. Now, it’s utterly boring. Stuffing my face with puerile, unexciting calories is no fun I tell you. Mama labors over my meals and serves them with a lot of love. I wish I could tell her to not bother. Just give me some protein pills and calorie supplements please. Oh wait! I might not like that too. You see, I think I don’t like the act of swallowing. Spitting food is so much more piquant.
I have mastered the art of food spraying by the way. You tell me where you want it to land, and I shall oblige. On the floor next to Mama’s flip flops? Perfect. On the remote lying on the coffee table? Done. On the iPad in front of me? Done that. On Mama’s head? Brilliant I say!
I might detest the taste and smell of food in general. But I do love the feel of it. The squishy, mushy, slippy, firm, watery, rubbery….. I love ’em all. And oats make a great face scrub (full body scrub if you so wish). Chicken shreds look fantastic as hair adornments. I also save Mama some time by rubbing yogurt onto my hair- so she does not have to bother with oiling and conditioning my hair. 🙂
Everyday, Mama (or Papa) have a battle of wills with me at mealtime. Don’t want to sound like a brag, but I win everyday, hands down. I know I’m driving Mama up the wall, but she needs to get my point- serve me strawberries thrice a day lovely woman!!! Yes. Those darned, red little things, I can stomach. Give some to me on a plate, washed and cut into bite sized pieces….I shall polish them off in no time. Thank you very much. Everything else can go straight to food purgatory (or to landfills or wherever else it is that food goes to).
Mama is legendary across family circles for her love and passion for food. I don’t understand it, but to each their own I guess. Just don’t expect me to trip over some cooked chicken or salivate because I spotted some weird looking cake a mile away.
Till next time..